Honestly just feeling so stuck at the moment. I hate living here, but the thought of moving again just fills me with dread and anxiety. I don’t know what to do for the best anymore. The schools around here suck too, so I don’t really want to send my daughter to any of them…. ugh. It’s all so crap right now. I don’t know whether getting my mental health back on track will sort out the living issue or not. I just feel so isolated and far away from family, that it doesn’t help my mental health at all. I find it really hard getting out and about on my own, facing baby and toddler groups seems beyond me at the moment. The thought of meeting new people just makes me anxious and not want to do it. I have all these plans to go to this, that or the other group, then it comes to the day, and I bottle it. Every single time. I feel bad for my daughter though, as we’re at home every day, doing the same things, and nothing remotely exciting or different. I feel like the worlds worst mother right now. I utterly suck at it.
I don’t think my husband really wants to pack up and move again either. We did it twice last year, and that was beyond stressful. The first time I was heavily pregnant, and then the second time we had our daughter. So to be thinking about it again so soon is kinda mad really. But I don’t know if it may be better long-term for my mental health…. If we could go back to the area in which we lived before the first move, I’d be able to go back to my amazing GP, that totally understood me, and to be honest probably knew me better than I know myself! He could see through me, read between the lines, and always knew exactly what to say or do to make things okay again. Whereas now, my current GP is just…. crap. She’s nice enough as a person, but I just don’t connect with her at all. She’s just another face in the system, and not someone I could honestly fully open up to. Whereas my old GP, I could literally tell him anything and everything, there was a great doctor/patient relationship, and without him, I wouldn’t be sat here now. He truly did save my life. I did message the practice, and they’ve passed on a message to him and have said that he’ll likely get in touch with me. I really hope so. I have read that since 2015, patients have the right to choose which GP they see and that most practices now take on out-of-area patients. So that’s something I may look into. I don’t even care that I’d have to travel by car or bus to get there, it would be worth it, just to be properly looked after and have a GP who actually gives a shit.
Speaking of GP’s, I saw mine again this afternoon. Seemed totally pointless, as I told her that I ended up at the hospital yesterday and that they’ve now fast-tracked my referral, and she then just didn’t seem to be all that bothered. Basically said to wait and see what happens at my assessment on Monday, and booked me in again to see her next Thursday. Said she wasn’t going to do anything with my medication because they’ll review that when they assess me. So, basically, I’m to keep taking the medication (or as I like to call them, tic tacs because they’re doing fuck all), and wait it out until Monday. Obviously, in the meantime, I can call if I need her, and there’s the crisis team as well for out of hours if needed. I just hope it doesn’t come to that….
On a positive note (SHOCKING!), I survived the day flying solo with my daughter; as hubby went back to work today. I was on edge most of the day though, counting down the hours until he’d be home. But I literally took it minute by minute, and kinda went with the flow and hoped for the best. Overall, the little lady wasn’t too much trouble, had her moments of course, but we got through it. 1 and a half more days to go…. (it’s his weekend to work, annoyingly, such bad timing…).
Do have a friend popping over tomorrow though, so hopefully, that will help, as it means I won’t be on my own for so much of the day. He’s a good friend, who is also struggling a bit with mental health problems, so perhaps we can help each other! Have known him for many, many years, so will be good to chill out with him. And also the car seat may turn up, which will be awesome.
Right, gonna call it a night, bloody exhausted as per usual. Can’t wait to crawl into bed soon…. G’night x